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New Computer & iPhone

November 24th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

I’m getting a new Dell computer (ordered it today) and iPhone (will order it this week) and I don’t give a shit. Normally I’d be so excited but I feel like total garbage and to me they are just necessities at this point as they are both getting really slow. The computer is nine years old and my iPhone 6 is five years old.

The original plan was to get the latest/greatest iPhone in anticipation of a spring 2020 trip to Disney World since I really really want to experience the Flower & Garden show at EPCOT in person. That’s no longer happening. So instead of getting the iPhone 11 Pro I will probably just get the regular iPhone 11 that’s almost half the price. What the hell can I really photograph when I’m a recluse anyway?

I feel worse and worse each day. I am experiencing more pain throughout my body so either the EBV is real and is attacking me, I have Lyme disease, or I really do have Fibromyalgia and it has decided to kick in now. I tend to get a bit achy overall every winter but NOTHING like THIS. Plus the ear stuff is just ridiculous. The left ear flutters to weird noises and the right one puts a phantom noise on top of any fan/motor related noise. Never in a bazillion years did I think ears could do such crazy and horribly annoying and anxiety-inducing things. I did my best yesterday to ignore the weirdness but today the second I woke up I was incredibly anxious and I don’t even know why (possibly hormones). I pushed myself and went out to a total of FOUR stores but it was really hard because the noise in them was so overwhelming to me. It’s like my central nervous system is completely broken and everything is irritating it. It makes me so sad that I have no control over it.

I am so frustrated and depressed that I can no longer even keep up with housework due to the pain and fatigue. I like keeping a clean and organized house and in my eyes it now looks like hell (even though most people probably wouldn’t think that at all). Joe has been doing almost everything now which is unfair since I’m the one not working. And because of the neck and shoulder pain I have to limit my device time so I really have nothing to do most of the time. So I’m bored and in pain and every day feels way too long. I would sleep more IF I could sleep but then I get the head pain which is getting worse already even though I had trigger point injections less than a week ago. Can’t I catch a break?

I still can’t wrap my head around what is happening to me and how terrible it is living inside this now broken body. I was used to having issues come and go and even have some things last awhile but this is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced and I really don’t know how I’m supposed to adapt if it doesn’t ever get any better. I haven’t given up the pursuit of answers, of course, but damn if I’m not feeling hopeless after seven months of increasing pain and auditory issues. I can NEVER relax or feel comfortable these days. I miss that so much. I miss my old life and the old me. I am praying for a miracle at this point.

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