I was planning on writing an entry today going into detail about how my first week of unemployment wasn’t quite as bad as the first day as I’ve kept myself busy exercising, organizing, and networking, but then I nearly had a panic attack when I saw that my husband’s first paycheck of the new year was much lower than it has been in the past. I know some tax laws changed but neither one of us was expecting his paycheck to decrease so much. Luckily he was quickly able to determine why – he was taxed on the iPad he won at his company’s Christmas party last month. That rather sucks, since it’s like paying for part of it, but this is common anytime one wins something. I’m very relieved, although still a little worried because I doubt that the entire reason for the lower paycheck is the tax on the iPad. I’m just crossing my fingers that his paychecks won’t be too much lower so we can minimize how much we’re taking out of savings while I’m on my quest for fulfillment.
Joe has been so incredibly supportive (even more so than I could have imagined) and I don’t want him to grow to resent me down the road if it takes longer for me to get a job than we anticipated. Trust me, I have to make an effort to not beat myself up for being stupid, although I honestly don’t think I was being too naive about this. I knew we’d have to seriously cut back and that things weren’t going to be all roses, yet at the same time my mental health is more important than money. So… I’m still worried about what this will do to us in the long-term. I think that’s only natural, though.
So now that my mini freak-out is over, I should talk about my original topic which is this week. Tuesday was rather depressing as it was the first day I was alone, and even though I kept myself busy by exercising, speaking with two recruiters, organizing the loft closet, and other assorted tasks, I felt really lonely and depressed. I also struggled with feelings of guilt over what my former coworkers might be tackling this week without my input. No, I’m not full of myself, just realistic. I am confident they will figure everything out without me there – it just might be a little more painful for them and that’s where the guilt comes in. I grew up feeling guilty about all sorts of things, most of which I had no reason to feel guilty about, such as sticking up for myself, so this really comes as no surprise. I’m hoping with time that goes away. I also hope they aren’t cursing my name under their breath! ;)
In any case, Wednesday and Thursday were much better for me from a mental standpoint. I’ve made a conscious effort to go to bed around the same time as Joe (I still tend to stay up a little later reading, but not as late as I used to when I was working) and get up no later than 7 am. The first thing I do is exercise, so I can’t procrastinate, while watching back episodes of Fringe (season 1 specifically since I don’t remember them). After I’m done I take a shower, get dressed in layers (so we can keep the thermostat low as if no one is home) and go about my business which includes looking for jobs online and the like. I also tried a new recipe for dinner last night and even though it didn’t come out that great I was grateful for the time and energy to do it.
I’m so very grateful, in every sense of the word, for the opportunity to rest my mind and nerves right now. I once read that it takes a person two weeks away from work to truly relax, so I know that it’s going to take time to feel more energetic and less anxious. While I’m able to fall asleep much quicker already without stressing out about what the next day will bring, I still can’t fall back to sleep when Joe gets up at 5:20 am for work. I end up tossing and turning until 7 am, but I’m hoping that will go away soon.
I’m maintaining a positive mental attitude and, surprisingly, not suffering from cabin fever even though I haven’t been outside since Monday. I think part of that is my natural tendency to want to hibernate in the cold Winter months anyway. Today it’s supposed to get into the mid fifties so I might actually take the dog for a walk and get some fresh air.
