Ughsville

I’ve been feeling really crappy lately and I don’t know if it’s the weather, hormones, my depression, or a combination of all three.

I feel like crap both physically and mentally. Wednesday night into Thursday morning I had the worst stomach ache and couldn’t sleep. I finally fell asleep at 2:30 am and only got three hours before the alarm went off. I dragged myself out of bed and went to work, but started feeling crappy again, so I did the most critical things and went home sick. Came home and felt guilty for bailing on work, losing money (since I’m hourly), and just had a bit of a nervous breakdown feeling like a loser and just crying my stupid eyes out. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I don’t know how to fix it.

About a month ago I asked Joe if I’m a bad wife. He was curious what made me say that, and it’s this – I no longer work full-time and really don’t want to ever again (at least not doing the kind of jobs I’ve done in the past). I used to make snarky comments about his ex-wife not working and I’m starting to feel like a hypocrite since we don’t have kids so there’s no reason for me NOT to be working more other than the fact that I can’t / don’t want to. My anxiety/depression is definitely worse when I’m working 40 hours a week or more, but being the self-critical person that I am, I have to wonder if I’m just being a pansy about it.

I’ve worked full-time since college and while I didn’t love it, I never used to feel so worn down mentally until my last job. My doctor seems to think that I’m still recovering from being burnt out at my decade-log job, but I know people who work longer hours and they don’t seem to be suffering the way I have, so is there something wrong with me? And more importantly, is it something I can fix, or is it just how I am? For instance, some days I have no energy at all. I’ve been taking magnesium, B6, and vitamin D daily for a few weeks now to help combat my balance issues and exercising at a bare minimum three times a week for 15 minutes on the elliptical machine. Yet I still feel run down more often than not. I feel like I’m broken and I’m worried we’re saving up for a retirement I’m not even going to be able to enjoy because my body is falling apart at the age of 38 (or I’m being dramatic; it could be a bit of both).

In any case, I have been feeling guilty about not making the kind of money I used to, as well as having more free time on my hands, particularly because Joe has been working more and more hours since it’s busy at his company right now. He assured me, however, that I’m not a bad wife and he hasn’t once felt resentful toward me for quitting my full-time job. He said he likes me being home and would be ok if I didn’t work at all (although the extra money from working part-time is nice, there’s no doubt, so I don’t plan on quitting unless my health makes a turn for the worse). He also pointed out that while yes, his ex didn’t work, she also didn’t do anything around the house whereas I take care of almost everything so he doesn’t have to. He was just so sweet about it that it brought tears to my eyes (but then again, what doesn’t make me cry lately?). Even after almost fourteen years together I’m still amazed that I found someone who loves and cares for me as much as he does. I truly am lucky and I know I would be so much worse off without him in my life. Even on the worst days he can make me smile.

I don’t think I would mind working more if I found the right career path. I just can’t for the life of me figure that out. I think about it a lot. Almost constantly. It’s driving me insane! It’s frustrating not knowing what one wants to do with their life. I never had a plan when I was younger and I still don’t have one. I truly truly envy people who say they love their job and mean it. I have no idea how that feels. I know it’s not working in an office doing the same tasks over and over, though. But I just can’t seem to wrap my head around where to go from here. So for now I’ll keep plugging away trying not to feel guilty for being (to me) lazier than I used to be. What other choice do I have?