Category: Health

The entire time I’ve been sick I haven’t really dreamed about what has been going on, that I can remember anyway. However, in the past week I’ve had two dreams about COVID-19, both involving me having to go out in public and people not respecting social distancing.

The first dream also had me visiting my grandmother, who passed away in 2003, right after being out in public which was disturbing because I can’t remember having dreamt of her much, if at all, over the years as much as I would have liked and then the one time I do I’m risking her health in the dream? Talk about cruel! The second dream involved me going to Michael’s craft store during this pandemic which for all sorts of reasons doesn’t make sense. Then when I left the store my car was gone because someone stole it. Apparently I had a way to track it via GPS built into the key fob, though. Dreams are so strange!

In other news, I wanted to document that there are certain things that have gotten better. Namely, the pain in my arms at night isn’t as intense or radiating all down my arms and up my head like before. Also, I am not super fatigued or suffering from brain fog. My main issues now are jaw and ear related. My jaw just feels tight, sometimes slightly sore, and my bite is weird. Wearing any of my mouth guards doesn’t really help, though, and seems to encourage me to clench more at night. The main tinnitus sound is less bothersome but the weird siren-like sound can be really annoying when playing off other sounds, or when I’m trying to sleep. Plus the inside of my ears keep fluttering to certain stimuli which is extremely uncomfortable. I have to speak softly to avoid triggering the right ear and the left one is still being set off by certain noises, particularly if they originate from my right. If I turn my head toward the sound, or get close to it, the ear doesn’t vibrate. I don’t understand ANY of it, but I hope it goes away as I start taking herbs for Lyme disease. I had a more sensitive test done and it came up “negative” but with two positive bands which means my body recognizes it. Since I have no other explanation for all this craziness I’m pursing Lyme now.

Every day the tinnitus gets a little worse and I seriously don’t want to go on anymore. Ever since Joe and I got together we’ve worked hard to save our money so we could enjoy our retirement, and now I can’t see that ever happening. I’m so jealous of people who have properly functioning ears. People who don’t have pain all the time.

I can’t even figure out what’s really causing all these symptoms so how am I ever going to get better? It all seems so hopeless and I’ve never been so anxious and depressed in all my life. I keep praying for miracle or just SOME improvement, ANY improvement, to give me hope, but it has yet to come. If not for the body pain I would just sleep 24/7 to escape the hell I’m living in.

All my life I’ve feared dying. I didn’t realize there were worse things than death.

Caught a cold from E in December (I think it was him, since I don’t go out much and he was over for Christmas and seemed sick) which turned into bronchitis. Luckily it eventually went away on it’s own but I was still sick on my birthday so I removed it from Facebook; therefore I only got a few birthday wishes because if FB doesn’t remind people they completely overlook it. I’m guilty of the same thing so I wasn’t even sad about it. I feel too much like shit to even care about the holidays or my birthday. We didn’t celebrate it and I told everyone not to get me any presents because it’s irrelevant at this point. Without my health I am nothing.

The physical therapy doesn’t seem to be helping and we’ve tried exercises, massage, trigger point release, and dry needling. Trigger point injections at the pain clinic would help a bit, but it’s reached the point where I don’t even know what to have them inject, so I cancelled the appointment. Kinda regretting it now that the pain while sleeping has increased.

I saw a naturopath my PT suggested and she just put me on some new supplements. Only been taking them for a bit less than a week and haven’t seen any changes. Still horrible pains in my arms while sleeping that are creeping down into my upper back now. Also the head pain is coming back. I’m also getting twitching in my muscles, mostly calves at the moment. My feet often burn mostly at night and then for the first few hours I’m awake. The tinnitus is slowly getting louder, and my ear is once again fluttering in response to toilet noise (and this keyboard right now for some reason). WTF?!? Oh, and when I look at purely white things I see some traces of yellow/green color ever so subtly.

I’m starting to suspect I might have Lyme disease. I just realized the tests I got through Quest that I thought were western blots were actually ELISA as they only proceed with a blot if the ELISA indicates infection. F me! I might have to pay a bunch of money out of pocket to get testing through a more thorough lab that insurance doesn’t cover. I’ve been doing SO much research on this stuff and there’s so many conflicting theories and different treatment protocols that it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. Honestly, suicide sounds much easier. I know, such a defeatist attitude. But I can’t handle all this. It’s just too much. I haven’t felt well in over nine months and nothing has indicated to me that this will be getting better anytime soon. I feel my “best” at night and work on thinking positive thoughts and visualizing myself getting well but it isn’t helping, at least not yet. It’s so depressing.

I don’t feel like Joe and I are partners anymore. He’s my caretaker because I don’t have the energy to take care of myself. I am down to 100 lbs and I hate food because everything I eat is supposedly inflammatory so I’m limited to meats, fruits, and veggies, although I do eat rice just to keep my calories for the day over 1200. I hate my entire existence and long so deeply to go back to how I felt before, even with my little weird annoying health issues. At least they weren’t disabling like this! After all this time I’m still struggling to wrap my head around what’s happening to me. It’s like a waking nightmare.

I’m just so sad that at the age of 44 this is what my life is like. I can only hope SOMETHING eventually helps.