Month: October 2014

Ughsville

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I’ve been feeling really crappy lately and I don’t know if it’s the weather, hormones, my depression, or a combination of all three.

I feel like crap both physically and mentally. Wednesday night into Thursday morning I had the worst stomach ache and couldn’t sleep. I finally fell asleep at 2:30 am and only got three hours before the alarm went off. I dragged myself out of bed and went to work, but started feeling crappy again, so I did the most critical things and went home sick. Came home and felt guilty for bailing on work, losing money (since I’m hourly), and just had a bit of a nervous breakdown feeling like a loser and just crying my stupid eyes out. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I don’t know how to fix it.

About a month ago I asked Joe if I’m a bad wife. He was curious what made me say that, and it’s this – I no longer work full-time and really don’t want to ever again (at least not doing the kind of jobs I’ve done in the past). I used to make snarky comments about his ex-wife not working and I’m starting to feel like a hypocrite since we don’t have kids so there’s no reason for me NOT to be working more other than the fact that I can’t / don’t want to. My anxiety/depression is definitely worse when I’m working 40 hours a week or more, but being the self-critical person that I am, I have to wonder if I’m just being a pansy about it.

I’ve worked full-time since college and while I didn’t love it, I never used to feel so worn down mentally until my last job. My doctor seems to think that I’m still recovering from being burnt out at my decade-log job, but I know people who work longer hours and they don’t seem to be suffering the way I have, so is there something wrong with me? And more importantly, is it something I can fix, or is it just how I am? For instance, some days I have no energy at all. I’ve been taking magnesium, B6, and vitamin D daily for a few weeks now to help combat my balance issues and exercising at a bare minimum three times a week for 15 minutes on the elliptical machine. Yet I still feel run down more often than not. I feel like I’m broken and I’m worried we’re saving up for a retirement I’m not even going to be able to enjoy because my body is falling apart at the age of 38 (or I’m being dramatic; it could be a bit of both).

In any case, I have been feeling guilty about not making the kind of money I used to, as well as having more free time on my hands, particularly because Joe has been working more and more hours since it’s busy at his company right now. He assured me, however, that I’m not a bad wife and he hasn’t once felt resentful toward me for quitting my full-time job. He said he likes me being home and would be ok if I didn’t work at all (although the extra money from working part-time is nice, there’s no doubt, so I don’t plan on quitting unless my health makes a turn for the worse). He also pointed out that while yes, his ex didn’t work, she also didn’t do anything around the house whereas I take care of almost everything so he doesn’t have to. He was just so sweet about it that it brought tears to my eyes (but then again, what doesn’t make me cry lately?). Even after almost fourteen years together I’m still amazed that I found someone who loves and cares for me as much as he does. I truly am lucky and I know I would be so much worse off without him in my life. Even on the worst days he can make me smile.

I don’t think I would mind working more if I found the right career path. I just can’t for the life of me figure that out. I think about it a lot. Almost constantly. It’s driving me insane! It’s frustrating not knowing what one wants to do with their life. I never had a plan when I was younger and I still don’t have one. I truly truly envy people who say they love their job and mean it. I have no idea how that feels. I know it’s not working in an office doing the same tasks over and over, though. But I just can’t seem to wrap my head around where to go from here. So for now I’ll keep plugging away trying not to feel guilty for being (to me) lazier than I used to be. What other choice do I have?

Scarecrow Festival

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Saturday morning we headed to St. Charles to check out the scarecrow festival. We stopped at Walmart first where I ended up spending $60 on a pair of Cuddl Duds (cheapest place to get their stuff; everything was $10), two pairs of warm acrylic socks, and a heated throw to use at work since once it dips below 60 degrees my legs freeze in the office even wearing layers. Since the thermostat is always set to the same temperature I can only surmise it’s due to the cold ground since the office is just tile laid out on concrete.

Anyway, the scarecrows, as always, were super cute. Even though I didn’t go ga-ga over Frozen, I did like this one a lot.

Frozen

We actually spent three hours at the festival mostly walking around checking out the craft booths and people-watching. They had a petting zoo set up which was cute. It even had a wallaby! We only spent $5 and that was on a bacon ranch mac and cheese puff of doom. It was yummy!

We debated going on a haunted hayride in the evening at the local pumpkin farm but it’s not as much fun when it’s just the two of us and the couple we invited couldn’t make it and my brother wasn’t interested. We ended up staying in and watching a movie instead.

Today we skipped going to Target since nothing on the grocery list was critical. I gave the rats their third mite treatment (at the request of my vet to make sure they are really gone) and cleaned out all the cages. I made enchilada chicken in the crockpot and turned them into tacos which we ate while watching the Bears game.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I have my MRI at 9 am and then I’m getting a flu shot at my doctor’s office. Yay.

Wake and Funeral

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Work was cool about me taking a vacation day so I only worked Tuesday and Wednesday last week (getting to the point where only working two days would be awesome if I could pull it off). Wednesday night we drove down to my old hometown to attend the wake and then back again on Thursday morning for the mass and funeral.

Luckily my mom liked the flower arrangement I had chosen although she didn’t care for the “empty” spot without flowers in the arrangement. Hers was the only spay that was sent over so it was not only at the wake but also the funeral and graveside for the burial. My cousin insisted I take my arrangement home after the wake. This is what $63 buys you. I don’t care for the flowers with the pink/red spots on them (they weren’t in the photo of the arrangement I chose); they kind of ruin the look which should have been all white and blue. Also, the vase is different than what was pictured; it looks like a cheap one for $2 from Walmart.

UncleEdsFlowers

Thursday we stopped at the local Burger King for breakfast since we got down there much quicker than we anticipated. It’s the only fast food chain for miles and was actually built when I was in high school. In fact, I was the first round of workers to have a job there but had to train at a different location so that once it opened I was ready to work. I ended up working there for about 3-4 years until I got pissed off at one of the shift managers and quit on the spot. But I was really good at my job while I was there and worked all the stations including front cash and drive thru. You could say I was the Burger Queen. ;)

Mass was weird. I grew up attending Sunday School and attending church weekly but I don’t practice anymore. I actually moved out of my parents’ house in my early twenties when my mom gave me an ultimatum to either continue going to church or leave. I chose the latter. It’s one thing to raise your kids with the religion you identify with, it’s another to try and force it on someone once they’re an adult. Ironically enough, neither one of my brothers go to church and they are still allowed to live there. And she claims there’s no favoritism. Suuuure…

I’m not even sure if I believe in God to be truthful. I don’t really call myself an atheist as I’m not 100% sure there is no God, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to believe that he’d allow such terrible things to happen to people. Plus some of the nastiest people I’ve ever met are avid church-goers. It just seems fucked up that those people would represent Christianity. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable to sit through a mass.

The graveside funeral was sad. It made me tear up to see my cousins and mom crying. Ugh.

The “nice” thing to come out of all this is that I got to know my mom’s cousin better as well as make plans to go to dinner with my cousins who lost their father. We never hang out, but death reminds you that we aren’t long on this earth, and if you’re like me doubting the existence of God then there’s likely not an afterlife to look forward to either.

In other words, you better have some fun now before it’s all over because “this is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time” – Fight Club

Stranger Anger

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I got screamed at by a lady in the McDonalds drive thru this morning.

They gave Joe the wrong drink so he pulled up and parked to the left side to go back in and get it fixed. About thirty seconds later this lady in a black Mercedes behind us started laying on her horn (while he was still inside), then whipped up next to the car and motioned for me to roll down my window. When I did she started yelling at me saying “you are blocking 20 cars (exaggerate much?) and you NEED to move yours right now”. I made a sweeping gesture toward the empty driver’s seat and replied, “do I look like the driver?” She said some more stuff I don’t recall and then ended her rant with “you’re fucking rude” and I just looked at her backseat with two dogs in it and replied “good thing you don’t have kids in your car with that language”. Haha. 

At that point I was just trying to piss her off further by remaining calm because seriously, what did she expect me to do? Even if he was blocking everyone, which clearly he wasn’t seeing as how she was able to pull up next to our car and then drive off in a huff, what did she hope to accomplish by yelling at ME about it? Ironically, at that point SHE was actually the one blocking everyone! Not to mention swearing at me was rude so there’s more irony for you. I just laughed at the whole thing. I was proud of myself for not letting it upset me. It probably ruined her entire day, though. She needs to relax. 

Just for the record, I do feel bad if where the car was parked made it difficult for others to get around us (although clearly it was possible), but I don’t think that’s the way for someone to handle their frustration. Had she pulled up and nicely pointed out the situation and asked if we could move, I would have felt bad and apologized, but she had to be a raging bitch about it so I returned the favor.

One thing I’ve been trying to change about my mindset is that people who behave rudely aren’t purposely trying to aggravate other people. It helps stop me from getting overly upset about something I can’t control. Unfortunately that woman acted like we deliberately parked there with the intent to piss everyone off. She would do herself a favor by adopting my attitude before she has a heart attack.

VNG Results

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I saw my ENT this morning to go over the results of the VNG I had last Tuesday. Diagnosis – I have a 35% weakness to a structure in my right ear (I forget what he called it) which is causing my balance issue. The cause is either from a virus or a vestibular schwannoma which is a benign tumor. I’m going for an MRI next Monday to check for the tumor, although the doctor said it’s mostly to rule it out since based on the fact that the balance thing came on suddenly, he feels it’s most likely related to a past virus. If so, I will have to go for rehabilitation where I can do exercises to encourage my left ear to make up for the weakness in the right. Very strange, but I trust he knows what he’s talking about.

Between the death in the family, my brother annoying me this weekend, being neglected by someone I thought of as a friend, not feeling well, and not looking forward to going to work, I’m cranky as all hell today. I slept nine hours last night and I still feel like crap. Plus this cough from being sick two weeks ago is getting on my last nerve as it won’t go away.